I couldn’t stop fainting and the doctors couldn’t tell me what the problem was. Each time I fainted, I would get rushed to A&E. After running umpteen tests the verdict was always the same; we can’t find any irregularities.
Where I come from, every problem is spiritual. A cold is never just a cold. It is your grandmother’s cousin’s friend’s enemy’s spirit tormenting you. “I know what we should do,” said Aunty H to my mother, “let’s take her to see my pastor. He is a prophet too.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said to my mother.
“You have started. You are too stubborn. Is it not just prayer? Why do you always think you know best?” On and on she went. After receiving dozens of phone calls from concerned family members, I gave in.
As soon as I walked into the ‘church’, the hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention. I knew I was in trouble. Dear God, if you get me out of this place in one piece, I will never disobey you again! We walked into the prophet’s office to find two characters waiting for us. Nollywood movie time. Prophet was sporting the strangest looking beard and his sidekick looked like something out of the Pirates of the Caribbean. God, I’m grateful you know how to handle jokers like this ‘cause I certainly don’t! I searched my memory for every scripture I knew on warfare. I realised I hadn’t been reading my bible as diligently as I should. God, I will change. I promise. Just deliver me!
‘Madam, what is the matter?’ asked the prophet.
‘She has been fainting and the doctors can’t find any reason for it,’ my mother replied.
Suddenly the sidekick started hopping around on one leg. “Argh, argh, argh!” he groaned.
Shut up my friend, what’s wrong with you?!
“There is a crown on her head!” the pastor screamed.
Blood of Jesus! I reject it! He who the son sets free is free indeed! Thunder fire you!
“There are rings on her fingers,” he continued.
God forbid! It is you that will marry the devil. Rabababarobobo!
“Release her now!”
Robosandarababa! No weapon of the enemy fashioned against me will prosper! God help me o!
“It is lifting, yes, it is lifting!”
Father, forgive me for coming here. Have mercy on me!
The sidekick, who had been hopping and groaning all this while, suddenly stood still.
“Madam, it is over now but there are two things she must buy, said prophet. The deliverance prayer book is £10 and the special oil is £15. There are some other things too. You can buy them if you have spare change. ”
Giving all present the dirtiest look my eyes could manage, I stormed out of the building.
Shababarobobo. I didn’t stop speaking in tongues for days!
Prophet, three words for you. YOU NEED JESUS.