I had the pleasure of meeting a true gentleman last week. I’m not sure how old he is but I’d hazard a guess and say he’s knocking on 70. I would never have imagined a 70 year old human being and I would have so much in common, more so one of Nigerian heritage. I can’t remember ever meeting a Nigerian in his generation so free spirited and open. We had the most delightful conversations. I have fallen in like with him and will be seeing more of him, so help me my schedule.
Impressed though I was by him, I was soon reminded that for all the brilliant things he had to say, he is still a Nigerian man…an Urhobo one at that. For all the ladies wanting to breed the children of a good Nigerian man, read this and be educated. You can thank me by naming your first child after me.
Rule #1: There’s a catholic chaplaincy of Nigeria in South London that houses eligible young men. Catholic young men make the best partners…genuine in their faith and not shallow like those penterascals. Shun Catholicism at your peril.
Rule #2: You must be wise. He must have ‘papers’ else you will never know if the love he has is for you or your ‘kpali’ (passport). A good man always has ‘papers’. It’s okay if you don’t have ‘papers’. The heart of a woman isn’t so callous as to marry for visa. A man on the other hand…
Rule #3: Do away with all this western foolishness. Know your place and stay there! You are hereby sentenced to a life of in-kitchen-ment. Oh, make sure you know how to cook authentic Nigerian food. Spaghetti bolognese will not suffice.
Rule #4: Breed like dogs girls, breed! All this 2.5kids business…hogwash! You must provide the man with enough children to form a circle around him while he entertains them with his life stories.
Rule #5: Before you start breeding, make sure you are married. No Nigerian man likes ‘abasha’ (leftovers) or wants to responsible for another mans child.
Rule #6: Avoid showy types from moneyed homes. Go for the quietly successful. Fewer people are likely to want his or his father’s head spitting money from a wardrobe.
Rule #7: You must have enough meat on your bones to feed him…but not the five thousand. They do not like their women looking like blobs of amala. Work on your figure. Don’t overdo it though. If you’re too skinny they won’t believe you don’t have aids.
He painstakinly explained his reasons for each statement…and very eloquently too. So much so that I didn’t know how to tell him I’m on the prowl for a sandy haired, blue-eyed hunk that looks like a cross between Martin Henderson and Patrick Dempsey!