Month: April 2011

Introducing: Waila Waits

Hey Guys,

It’s been an interesting morning for me.

For many months I’ve toyed with the idea of starting up another blog. In fact, I setup the blog the same time I did this one but it has been lying dormant. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve tried to go live with it. The timing never felt right.

This morning I woke up and the first thing I did was reach for my laptop. By the time I headed into the shower to get ready for work, I’d written my first post for Waila Waits. Yes, it’s called Waila Waits.

A few people have asked me why, what’s the difference between WailaCaan and WailaWaits?

Waila Waits is my online journal of my thoughts on God, the Bible, spirituality and being a Christian at my age, in this day and age. Unlike Waila Caan, its mandate is very specific.

It will be honest. It will be real.

It will be written from my heart.

Check it out! www.wailawaits.wordpress.com

xxx

Waila

The Crazy Proposal and The Psychotic Girlfriend

A couple of years ago when I first moved into my current flat, I was forced to live life without a television. I couldn’t get a signal on my TV and my landlord kept promising to sort it out. Four months after I moved in, I decided to stop waiting for him and sort it myself. It was in those four months I fell in love with Nollywood movies courtesy of YouTube. For those of you who don’t know, Nollywood is to Nigeria, what Bollywood is to India…only bigger. If stats be believed, Nollywood is the second largest movie industry in the world. That’s a big deal. It’s nowhere near Hollywood where quality is concerned but it gets 10/10 for its entertainment value. Be it at the acting, the witty banter or the soundtracks, you’ll be plenty amused.

A few days ago I watched a movie called ‘Lady’s Gang’ on YouTube. It’s one of those movies that doesn’t make much sense but I watched it anyway and it was worth it! There were a couple of golden moments in the movie that I just have to share with you guys.

The first is a scene where a guy gets into an argument with his girlfriend, gives her a resounding slap and then pops the question. I know guys try and find creative and unique ways of proposing but I’ve never heard of anyone who agreed to marry a man right after he slapped her.  I can’t find the words to do the scene justice so I’ll let you watch it for yourselves.  You will have to select the ‘watch on youtube’ option due to copyright restrictions but it’s only a two minute clip and worth the extra click.

The next scene I thought I’d share is one where a girl takes on her boyfriend and his mother. The mother in question is THE mother-in-law from hell, the boyfriend, a mummy’s boy and the girlfriend,  a psycho. This scene had me in stitches. The actress speaks a bit of Yoruba in the dialogue which makes it even funnier. Again, you will have to select the ‘watch on youtube’ option due to copyright restrictions but it’s only a two minute clip and worth the extra click. Enjoy!

You’ve just got to love Nollywood!!!

xxx

Waila

p.s.

By the by, I’m trying to get my hands on a copy of ‘Keeping Faith’ starring Genevieve Nnaji and Richard Mofe-Damijo. If you can, please help!

Waila et Toni avec Tété

Ladies and Gentlemen, I saw Tete live at Monto on Thursday last week!!! I only watched him play for half an hour but it was well worth it. I went with the lovely Toni who won my spare ticket on this very blog and can I just say Toni, it was an absolute pleasure meeting you. I was scared you might be a serial killer/stalker but I thank God that you turned out to be normal. I’m still alive and haven’t noticed you peeking through my skylights…yet. Toni is a UX (user experience) designer and I stole this picture of her from her blog. Gentlemen, contact me for more information.

I feel a bit silly writing this post because I have no pictures or videos to show you from the show. I forgot to take my camera and even if I did have it, I probably wouldn’t have bothered. I’m so rubbish when it comes to capturing moments, I’m not sure why I own a camera. I suspect it’s purely a status thing. Lol. I am working on my camera skills though so watch this space.

Toni and I arrived at the venue a little after 7pm to find that my dear Tete had FIVE opening acts. The first of the acts, BabiLondon was quite good. They are an unsigned reggae band and I enjoyed their set. The frontman has pipes like a rocker and dude almost screamed my eardrums to numbness. The other four were….let’s just say we opted to head to Nandos while we waited for Tete to take to the stage. When he finally did, it was worth it. He has the sexiest voice and speaks fluent English in the most tantalising Americo-Franco (I made that up) accent. His guitar playing skills are SICK. He played some stunning riffs and my respect for his musicality went up a hundred notches. It was just him and his guitar but he sure didn’t need anybody else. Yes people, I’m in love. He’ll have to put on  a little weight if he wants me to marry him though. Those legs of his are a little too skinny for my liking. 🙂

I think I embarrassed Toni a little with my Tété fever. Sorry Toni! Lol. Unfortunately we had to leave a little early so I didn’t get to hear his entire set. I just found out he’s playing again at Monto on the 24th of May so you bet I’ll be there to finish off my dose of his medicine. This time I won’t forget my camera. I’ll take lots of pictures and record a couple of videos for you guys to enjoy.

Anyone interested in a ticket, let me know. I’m feeling generous. Or maybe I’m just trying to infect you guys with Tété fever. 🙂

xxx

Waila

p.s.

Check out Toni’s blog @ www.teanni.blogspot.com

To Move Out or Not to Move Out?

This morning my status on my blackberry read ‘anyone willing to house me rent free?’ When I think about how much I pay in rent, I weep. I was thinking about who I could harass to lend me their spare room when I overheard a conversation between two of my colleagues. One of them recently bought a house and the other lives with his parents and siblings. Both men are in their thirties and Homeowner was taking a pop at people who earn a wage and still live with their parents.  Apparently, said people are irresponsible and need to learn about responsibility. He was advising Live-at-Home to move out of his parents’ house and I found myself doing two things which are out of character for me. I butted into a conversation that didn’t concern me AND then got into a heated debate with Mr Homeowner. Talk about swallowing Panadol for another man’s headache!

 “I know it’s none of my business but Live-at-Home, do yourself a favour and ignore Mr Homeowner! It’s alright for him because he can afford the deposit he needs but please, until you can too, don’t even thing about moving out to pay rent!”

“Excuse me Waila, why are you interrupting this conversation?!”

Na you sabi.

“I agree it’s not my business but where do you get off calling people that live at home irresponsible?! I suggest you Google the definition of irresponsible. You’ll find it doesn’t have anything to do with living at home after a certain age! ”

“I think they are irresponsible, that’s my opinion. You don’t have to agree with me!”

 “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. How can you tell him to move out and pay rent when he can be living rent free and saving up to buy his own place? Where’s the sense in that? Who is he trying to impress, you?!”

I was ready for war! I tried to tell myself to mind my own business but I couldn’t stop myself from laying into Homeowner. I went on for a good 15minutes about the long term benefits of putting up with family drama and at the end of it, Live-at-Home looked fully persuaded. Mission accomplished.

Paying rent is painful. If I saved up the amount of money I pay in rent for an entire year, I’d be £8,000 richer for it! Who in their right mind won’t want to do that?! I know that living with family has its challenges and you’ll have to put up with a lot of crap but I think if you can stick it out till you save up enough money to buy your own place, it’s worth it. I know a number of people who have managed to do just that and I can’t tell you how jealous I am of them. Five years ago I had an offer from my cousin Dee to live with her and her family. I said no even before she finished asking! I was independence hungry and much as I love my cousin, I wanted my own space. I can categorically state that that’s one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made in my life. If I’d taken her up on it, I’d probably own my own home now.

Who makes the rules about what one can and can’t do?! Why should I let someone else tell me at what age I ought to leave home?! I should go out and pay someone else’s mortgage while you pay yours abi? You try well well. Ose gan!  If you want to move out of home at 18, knock yourself out.  Just don’t go about making people who choose not to, feel like they’ve flunked one of life’s greatest tests.

Rant over. This blogging thing is therapeutic gan! ☺

So what do you guys think? Does it make sense to move out of home and pay rent when you could live at home and save up to buy your own house? Feel free to disagree with me. I promise not to chew your head off…I’ve still got Homeowner’s head in my mouth. *wink*

xxx

Waila

Even Madam’s Get Insulted

“Madam, how can I help you?”

“I’d like two portions of jollof rice and chicken please.” I tapped my fingers against the counter as the waiter picked up a foil pack and began stuffing it with rice. After filling it, he sealed it and stood, as though awaiting further instructions.

“I said two portions not one,” I reminded him.

Nodding his head, he began to fill another foil pack. “Anything else madam?”

“Do you have coleslaw?”

“We have it ma.”

“Okay, I’ll have two portions of coleslaw too.”

My food all packed and ready to go, he started punching numbers on the till.  He stared intently at the receipt that was printing and then shaking his head, tore it in half.

“What is it?”

“Sorry o, I made a mistake. I no add the coleslaw.”

“Oh okay, let me see the bill.”

I noticed he entered jollof rice four times. “How come you entered jollof rice four times? I asked for two portions not four.”

“Ehen, na two portions dey the receipt.”

“How is this two portions? One, two, three, four…that’s four portions.”

“Na you say you want two portions o madam!”

“Yes, two portions as in two packs.”

“Oh oh, na this kind thing I no like. You don begin change mouth!”

“I beg your pardon?!” I stared at him in disbelief. I wasn’t sure which issue to tackle first, his bad attitude or lack of intelligence. Calm down MEE, it’s just a miscommunication. I tried to reason with him.

“When I said two portions I didn’t mean a double portion. What I meant was two packs.”

“No madam!” he screamed at me, “no be wetin you talk be dat!”

I clung to my patience.

“Okay, I don’t want two double portions. I want two single portions. Please sort it out.”

“Oh oh, which kind nonsense be this? Wetin you want make I do with the rice wey I don dish?!”

I let go of my patience.

“You can pour the rice on my head! What kind of stupid question is that?! Are you alright?!”

“Madam I dey alright o. Na you no sabi wetin you want. Which kind double work you wan give person? I tell you say I no get work?”

“Thunder fire you, you are crazy! Didn’t they teach you one two three in primary school?! One, two, three…count am make I hear you! Olodo! Is this how you treat your customers? If you’re too lazy to correct something as simple as this then you might want to think about quitting your job. Nonsense!”

I snatched my handbag off the counter and marched towards the exit. A chorus of “madam wetin happen?!” followed me but I wasn’t interested in explaining anything to anyone. Getting to the door, the doorman wouldn’t open it.

“Madam I beg no vex. No mind am, na so him dey behave. I beg no vex.”

“Please open the door.”

“I beg madam no go, you never chop now!”

“Get out of my way!” Like I needed reminding that I was hungry and had nothing to eat. I grabbed the door myself and yanked it open.

Nonsense!

xxx

Waila

Waila Reads: Imagine This

Imagine you were born in England. Thirteen months after you were born, your parents marriage falls apart. You and your brother are thrown into the care system and are lucky enough to be caught by loving foster parents. You live happily with your foster parents and brother. You see your father every now and again but that’s okay. Your world is sunny, your future looks bright. Eight odd years roll on by. One day you father shows up for a visit and before you have time to comprehend what is happening, you find yourself in your a village in western Nigeria with your grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins and other members of your extended family whom you’ve never met. Life as you once knew it changes irrevocably.

 

Imagine This, written by Sade Adeniran, was a random discovery. I stumbled on it while searching for another book on Amazon. I’d never heard of the author but as you know, I’m on a mission to explore African Literature (I hate that term by the way) so I coughed up £9 for a copy. It was £9 well spent. The book is a journal of the experiences of a young girl Lola, whose life is turned on its head when her father, afraid of permanently losing parental rights over her and her brother, all but hijacks them from their foster home and whisks them off to their village in western Nigeria to be raised by his extended family. The journal chronicles Lola’s slightly sweet, largely bitter experience of village life, her dysfunctional relationship with her Father and her struggle for survival in the new world she find herself in.  

As always, read and tell me what you think!

xxx

Waila

Dear God, Please Help Waila!

Dear God,

How are you? I bet you’re fine, after all, you are God and nothing fazes you. As for me, I have a little problem. I feel a bit silly complaining about it because I know there are many starving children in Africa and millions of lost souls in the world. In the grand scheme of things, my issue is irrelevant but seeing as I know you care about the little things too, I’ll tell you anyway. The sun is out and I feel fat. Actually, I don’t just feel fat, I am fat. I thought by now I would have lost all my Christmas weight but no, if anything, I’ve thrown a few more pounds in for good measure. It’s not like I ate much over Christmas. Okay, so I ate an insane number of beef rolls from Tantalizers and overdosed on that mayonnaise infested Chick Wizz from Chicken Republic but surely, that’s not enough to turn me into a baby elephant?! Wait, I did eat quite a lot of Mossa and suya too.  Plus there was my secret stash of Cadbury’s Fingers. Oh, I also ate plenty of Indomie, Chinese and Jollof rice but I wasn’t the only one so why did I get ALL the flabs?!

Anyway, what is done is done. My problem now is that the sun is out and I’m fat. I need you to magic all these pounds away. You can do ANYTHING and you know I BELIEVE that! I saw a girl walking the streets near naked today. I realised I had a problem when instead of being appalled at how tiny and transparent her dress was, I was vexed that I didn’t have a body like hers to flaunt. Is that why you won’t help me lose weight…because you know I will walk around naked too? I won’t God, I promise! I will cover all my reproductive organs and at least half my thighs (gotta flaunt a little something) and I won’t wear short t-shirts with leggings. I promise! You know I have till the end of April to look hot for Tomato’s wedding. April only just started but you know how time flies. I hear there will be cute guys at that wedding and my statistics must be up to date.  You know, 34-24-34. And so shall it be!

While we are on the topic of weight loss, there’s something I’ve been dying to know. Is there food in heaven? I reckon there isn’t which is why I try and eat as much as I can while I’m still alive. My friend Stinkus reckons there is. Is she right? If there is, is it stuff like manna (not sure I’ll like that stuff) and quail or will there be Thai food, complete with chilli o? Please tell me before I eat myself to an early grave only to meet food in heaven…it won’t be funny at all!

I know there are many more prayers you need to attend to so I won’t take up any more of your time. Please just do this for me and I promise not to get fat again…not immediately anyway. God bless you or rather, please bless yourself.

Love,

Waila

Tales From The Underground: If You Must Faint, Faint Elsewhere.

This morning a woman had the audacity, the temerity, the gall, to faint, not just on my train but in my carriage. Seriously, was she kidding?! She couldn’t pick a more convenient place and time to lose control of her faculties?! Did she not know that we were in a hurry to get to work, school or wherever else we were carrying our long faces to?! When the sound of someone slumping to the ground echoed throughout the carriage, I let out an audible groan which was drowned out by a chorus of angry sighs.

“Someone pull the passenger alarm!” a man shouted.

Another chorus of even louder sighs and a few expletives.

Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Aargh man! Did she have to faint now? She should have waited till we got off the train.

Friend of schoolgirl in barely there skirt: How is she supposed to know where we are getting off?

Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: I don’t know man, she just should have known. I’ve got double drama and now I’m gonna be late innit!

Potbellied elderly gent: we are all going to be late but someone has fainted, show some sympathy.

Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Why? Is she my mother?! Please man, don’t chat to me. Mind your business!

Woman in the sexy peach blazer to her friend: Kids these days have no respect. It’s disgusting! I’m a bit pissed off that the lady fainted ‘cause I have a meeting first thing but I guess these things happen.

Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Oi shut your face! Who are you calling disgusting?!

Woman in the sexy peach blazer: Darling, there’s a difference between an act being disgusting and a person being disgusting. I said your manners are disgusting but looking at you, I dare say you are too.

Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Shut your face yeah, just shut your face or I’ll slap you! Who do you think you’re talking to?!

Man in pinstriped suit: Oi behave yourself. You won’t be slapping anyone on this train.

Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Who do you think you are, superman?! Don’t tell me what to do idiot, I ain’t scared of you!

Man in pinstriped suit: Did you just call me an idiot love?

Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: What, you deaf or something?

Friend of schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Leave it babe, just leave it yeah.

Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: You’re an idiot yeah, I said it, an I-D-I-O-T! Don’t tell me what to do, I ain’t scared of you!

Man in pin-striped suit took a step towards schoolgirl in barely there skirt and like lightening the girl bolted from the train.  

Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Don’t touch me yeah, don’t you dare touch me!

Man in pinstriped suit: Why are you running? I thought you were tough?  Lippy cow. Come here let me teach you some manners.

Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Shut your fat face, I ain’t scared of you!

Man in pinstriped suit: If you’re not scared get back on this carriage.

Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: I’m not doing anything you tell me to do fool.

I reckon the girl was scared, no? Lol.  Meanwhile the woman who fainted was being attended to by staff on the train and fielding angry question about why they couldn’t just carry her off the train so we could carry on journeying.

How pleasant and compassionate are London’s commuters?!

xxx

Waila