This morning a woman had the audacity, the temerity, the gall, to faint, not just on my train but in my carriage. Seriously, was she kidding?! She couldn’t pick a more convenient place and time to lose control of her faculties?! Did she not know that we were in a hurry to get to work, school or wherever else we were carrying our long faces to?! When the sound of someone slumping to the ground echoed throughout the carriage, I let out an audible groan which was drowned out by a chorus of angry sighs.
“Someone pull the passenger alarm!” a man shouted.
Another chorus of even louder sighs and a few expletives.
Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Aargh man! Did she have to faint now? She should have waited till we got off the train.
Friend of schoolgirl in barely there skirt: How is she supposed to know where we are getting off?
Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: I don’t know man, she just should have known. I’ve got double drama and now I’m gonna be late innit!
Potbellied elderly gent: we are all going to be late but someone has fainted, show some sympathy.
Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Why? Is she my mother?! Please man, don’t chat to me. Mind your business!
Woman in the sexy peach blazer to her friend: Kids these days have no respect. It’s disgusting! I’m a bit pissed off that the lady fainted ‘cause I have a meeting first thing but I guess these things happen.
Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Oi shut your face! Who are you calling disgusting?!
Woman in the sexy peach blazer: Darling, there’s a difference between an act being disgusting and a person being disgusting. I said your manners are disgusting but looking at you, I dare say you are too.
Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Shut your face yeah, just shut your face or I’ll slap you! Who do you think you’re talking to?!
Man in pinstriped suit: Oi behave yourself. You won’t be slapping anyone on this train.
Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Who do you think you are, superman?! Don’t tell me what to do idiot, I ain’t scared of you!
Man in pinstriped suit: Did you just call me an idiot love?
Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: What, you deaf or something?
Friend of schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Leave it babe, just leave it yeah.
Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: You’re an idiot yeah, I said it, an I-D-I-O-T! Don’t tell me what to do, I ain’t scared of you!
Man in pin-striped suit took a step towards schoolgirl in barely there skirt and like lightening the girl bolted from the train.
Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Don’t touch me yeah, don’t you dare touch me!
Man in pinstriped suit: Why are you running? I thought you were tough? Lippy cow. Come here let me teach you some manners.
Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: Shut your fat face, I ain’t scared of you!
Man in pinstriped suit: If you’re not scared get back on this carriage.
Schoolgirl in barely there skirt: I’m not doing anything you tell me to do fool.
I reckon the girl was scared, no? Lol. Meanwhile the woman who fainted was being attended to by staff on the train and fielding angry question about why they couldn’t just carry her off the train so we could carry on journeying.
How pleasant and compassionate are London’s commuters?!