How are you? I bet you’re fine, after all, you are God and nothing fazes you. As for me, I have a little problem. I feel a bit silly complaining about it because I know there are many starving children in Africa and millions of lost souls in the world. In the grand scheme of things, my issue is irrelevant but seeing as I know you care about the little things too, I’ll tell you anyway. The sun is out and I feel fat. Actually, I don’t just feel fat, I am fat. I thought by now I would have lost all my Christmas weight but no, if anything, I’ve thrown a few more pounds in for good measure. It’s not like I ate much over Christmas. Okay, so I ate an insane number of beef rolls from Tantalizers and overdosed on that mayonnaise infested Chick Wizz from Chicken Republic but surely, that’s not enough to turn me into a baby elephant?! Wait, I did eat quite a lot of Mossa and suya too. Plus there was my secret stash of Cadbury’s Fingers. Oh, I also ate plenty of Indomie, Chinese and Jollof rice but I wasn’t the only one so why did I get ALL the flabs?!
Anyway, what is done is done. My problem now is that the sun is out and I’m fat. I need you to magic all these pounds away. You can do ANYTHING and you know I BELIEVE that! I saw a girl walking the streets near naked today. I realised I had a problem when instead of being appalled at how tiny and transparent her dress was, I was vexed that I didn’t have a body like hers to flaunt. Is that why you won’t help me lose weight…because you know I will walk around naked too? I won’t God, I promise! I will cover all my reproductive organs and at least half my thighs (gotta flaunt a little something) and I won’t wear short t-shirts with leggings. I promise! You know I have till the end of April to look hot for Tomato’s wedding. April only just started but you know how time flies. I hear there will be cute guys at that wedding and my statistics must be up to date. You know, 34-24-34. And so shall it be!
While we are on the topic of weight loss, there’s something I’ve been dying to know. Is there food in heaven? I reckon there isn’t which is why I try and eat as much as I can while I’m still alive. My friend Stinkus reckons there is. Is she right? If there is, is it stuff like manna (not sure I’ll like that stuff) and quail or will there be Thai food, complete with chilli o? Please tell me before I eat myself to an early grave only to meet food in heaven…it won’t be funny at all!
I know there are many more prayers you need to attend to so I won’t take up any more of your time. Please just do this for me and I promise not to get fat again…not immediately anyway. God bless you or rather, please bless yourself.