This summer is proving very interesting. Why? My cousin, KFC, is spending his entire summer holiday holed up with me in my studio flat.
I’m rubbish at this big sister thing. The role is new to me because I am the youngest child in my family. Am I supposed to laugh when he tells me about the first time he got drunk at school or tell him off for drinking irresponsibly? Am I supposed to encourage him to explore the sights and sounds of London or keep him under lock and key to avoid his overprotective father’s wrath? The thing tire me.
In the early hours of Monday morning, I woke up to the sound of my flat door shutting. It took me a few minutes to realise he’d left the flat. I checked the time, 4.30am. Where the heck was he going at that time of the morning?!
I grabbed my phone and called him.
“Where do you think you’re going to at this time of the morning?!”
“Huh, what do you mean?”
“Don’t ask me silly questions my friend! Where are you?!”
“I’m at home!”
I looked at my telephone screen. I’d accidentally called my friend Kay. After apologising profusely, I hung up and called KFC.
“Where do you think you’re going at this time of the morning?!”
“I’m going for a walk, I need some fresh air.”
“At what time of the day?! My friend reverse yourself and don’t be silly!”
“But it’s already morning.”
“I said reverse yourself! Who goes for a walk at 4.30 in the morning?!”
10mins later (yes, I was checking) he walked through the door carrying a plastic bag. He went out to buy a midnight snack?! This is someone that ate two plates of jollof rice and a packet of popcorn just before he went to bed. There were plenty of things I wanted to say to him but I only had one hour before I had to wake up. I decided not to waste my sleeping time.
“Boy, don’t ever pull this crazy stunt again!”
I went back to sleep.
When I was leaving for work in the morning I noticed an empty sandwich carton, the empty packet of popcorn, two dirty plates and a couple of gigantic mugs next to his seeping head.
Heaven help his waist line.