Monologue Series: A Slice of Lime

“I think we should break up.”

“Huh? Where did that come from?!”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I don’t think we’re right for each other.”

“Babe, how can you say that? Did I do something wrong? Tell me so I can fix it!”

“Darren, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’re perfect, you’re just not perfect for me.”

“Sorry, what does that mean? Are you saying I’m not good enough for you?!”

“Babe, you’re taking this the wrong way! I’m not saying you’re not good enough for me, all I’m saying is I don’t think we are a good match.”

“Explain it to me Amanda, tell me what’s so imperfect about us!”

“You’re a great guy and I really like you but you don’t, you know, set my heart on fire.”

“Well excuse me for not knowing I was supposed to give you heart burn.”

“Spare me the sarcasm! Look, it’s over, deal with it. I need more than this. I need excitement, someone who will sweep me off my feet, plant butterflies in my stomach. I want the magic Darren and I don’t have it with you.”

He stared at me like I’d sprouted horns. “You’re breaking up with me because you don’t think I’m exciting?! Forgive me for not sweeping you off your feet with fancy holidays, fast cars and champagne fuelled nights out!”

“Now you’re being ridiculous, that’s not what I mean and you know it! All I’m saying is my heart doesn’t skip a beat when I see you, I don’t get goose bumps when you hold me and I don’t feel like my world would crumble if you weren’t in it.”

“You really should stop reading M&Bs.”

Snatching his car keys off the coffee table, he silently made his way out of my flat…and my life. A part of me wanted to call him back, to tell him I was only joking…but I couldn’t. I needed more than he had to offer.  I needed to feel something beyond love and affection. I needed passion.

I have a list, he is the list. Great job, check! Home owner, check! Gentle, check!   Kind and generous, check! Thoughtful, check! Loves me to distraction, check! Romantic, check! Christian, check! He is everything I’ve prayed for. I just didn’t think the man of my dreams would bore me to tears. He is so good, too good. He’s never been drunk, never smoked, never partied, never had a girlfriend, never had sex and wait for it…he doesn’t know who Beyonce is! Come on, even the Pope knows Beyonce! I’m not saying I want a bad boy but he’s too straitlaced. I want someone with experience; been there, done that and had enough but with a little swagger left over. I know he’s a good man and will be a fantastic husband and father but what about passion, doesn’t that count for anything? All I’m asking for is a little something extra…like a glass of water with a slice of lime in it. It’s still water but with an added tang. Is that asking for too much?

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9 comments

  1. Me likey this plenty – esp “I’m saying is my heart doesn’t skip a beat when I see you, I don’t get goose bumps when you hold me and I don’t feel like my world would crumble if you weren’t in it.” Sich a shame really isn’t it but defo think that a slice of lime adds some needed zangy zest and it is necessary, but maybe we don’t always know what zest we want – maybe we need to find that excitement together in the person – again, I dunno but I think Amanda might miss Darren very much when he’s not there, and come to appreciate him better when she gets a man who’s too strongly lemonade. Tricky one…..but good write up! x

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  2. Now you’re talking. The list was more than any human could hope to achieve but the dialogue that opened the piece… Just genius! I love!

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  3. i had a debate on this with my colleague at work. she agrees with Amanda but i totally disagree. i think Amanda needs to find her vavavoom and stop expecting it in a guy. besides i dont like sparkling water and i hate lemon in my water. lol

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  4. I have to agree with Adun…I think Amanda will live to regret her decision. Definitely a case of ‘don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone’. How many people ever get everything on their list? Granted one can realize later on that the list isn’t exactly it for them, but in this case it seems very likely that Amanda is going to end up with a guy she finds more exciting but has a drinking problem, cannot stay faithful or something else….there’s always a trade-off.

    Darren seems like the kind of guy that is very hard to find. This is a classic case of Christians claiming that they want all the Godly, pure qualities in their mate but not acting like it when they see it – rather they seem attracted to the exact opposite (guys do it too). I blame him a little too cos i think it is possible to be good but also mysterious, interesting, exciting, edgy etc. In the future he will learn not to lay all his cards on the table too soon, lol (or simply just follow someone who really appreciates his qualities)…

    I have to say her description of him seemed on point all round until the part about not knowing who Beyoncé is…I mean, now that’s too much. Sounds like someone not in touch with the outside world, which is obviously not a good thing. But hey I guess Darren is fictional right so he (or whoever he’s based on) would probably have known who Beyoncé is. Thank God for artistic license, another great piece Waila.. 😉

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  5. lmao! see what swagger swagger has caused oh …… God have mercy on us ladies .. sometimes our answered prayer is just right before our very eyes but we are wayy to short sighted to see it! lol

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  6. First the minister and now this!?I enjoy your brand of creativity; I want to write something, but I ain’t digging the l price. Take care!

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  7. Fantastic *potential* husband and father and she’s looking for passion? She must not be Igbo 😛 Bwahahahahahaha.

    Lovely piece boothang

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