How Are We Doing It?

It’s your friend Abi’s 30th birthday on Saturday. You get an email inviting you to dinner at an upmarket restaurant in the west end. You check out the email addresses in the thread; @jpmorgan.com, @hsbc.com, @morganstanley.com, @gs.com, @bain.com, @mckinsey.com…and then there’s yours…@yahoo.co.uk.

You and Abi are close enough, she expects you to be there. You click on the attached link to the restaurants website to view the menu. Main courses are £20 on average. That’s all the money you have left in your account. You spot a section that reads ‘side dishes.’ You scan it breathing a sigh of relief when you see the figures 6.99 beside the words ‘Garden Salad.’ You factor in the service charge and conclude that if you drink water, you’ll get away with spending just £10. You need the other £10 to transport yourself to and from the restaurant.

Saturday night, time to get ready for dinner. You might be unemployed and broke but you’ll be damned if you let ‘penniless’ scribble itself across your forehead. Black mini dress, check. Nude Louboutin peep toes, check. Brazilian hair, check. Ruby Woo lipstick, check.  35mins and a train ride later, you arrive at the restaurant £2.60 lighter. The ambience is great and everyone looks fabulous. Menus arrive and orders are flowing like cool breeze on a hot summer afternoon. Cocktails, wine, champagne, starters…the works. You nurse your tall glass of tap water with ice and a slice of lemon and when the person next to you asks why you aren’t ‘having a glass’ you tell them it’s that time of the month so you’re feeling a little nauseous.

The mains arrive and you eye the plates of duck confit, steak and sea bass but it’s the sautéed scallops that cause saliva to drip from the corners of your mouth.  You employ the services of the napkin spread over your laps and face your plate of the freshest looking grass you’ve ever seen. You decline the dessert menu when it’s offered, “Thanks but I’m stuffed,” hoping no one can hear the rumbles emanating from your stomach. You can’t wait to get home and whip up some Indomie.

Conversation is flowing and everyone’s laughing and having a good time when suddenly someone catches a glimpse of the clock hanging above the restaurant bar and realises you’ve been sat there for four hours. He signals to the waiter to bring the bill and people start to reach for their wallets. The bill arrives and then someone asks the million dollar question;

“How are we doing it?”

You sit up straight. What kind of stupid question is that; how are we doing it? You pay for what you ate, how else will we do it?!

The genius mathematician at the table does a quick count and declares that if the bill is split equally, £45 per head should cover it.

You are about to object when you notice that every other head is nodding in agreement.

Another voice pipes up.

“Abi shouldn’t have to pay because it’s her birthday.”

The genius mathematician redoes the calculation and asks, “£50 okay for everyone?”

Again, every head but yours nods in agreement.

50 what?! From where?!

Your silence is not an option. “I think everyone should pay for what they ate.”

Echoes of “that’ll be tricky to calculate, it’s easier to just split the bill” float around the table.

Tricky for who? Me I can calculate what I ate o! Abi there’s a mathematician at the table, e le se further maths ni?. Jo jo jo, e ma koba mi, don’t disgrace me in public!

You pull out a £10 note from your wallet, walk over to Abi, give her a hug and say goodbye. You drop the note in front of genius, “that’s how much my meal cost.”

Head held high, you head for the door, the red soles of your Louboutins clicking sexily against the marble floor.

That is how we’re doing it.

xxx

Waila

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37 comments

  1. hahahahaha………u go gal….i don’t blame her jare….after suffering with that Salad…too funny!!!

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  2. Hahahaha! This is impossible! Iol. I have to admit I dread such occasions sometimes, but I try to budget for ‘entertainment’ even though I rarely go out. I’ve had three main conclusions to my dinners 1. The birthday person pays for everyone 2. Everyone pays for what they ordered 3. Everyone pays an average because the order was done together and everyone ate Buffett style.

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  3. Lol…oh dear! This happens a lot!!! But usually amongst my group of friends we all find it easier to jst split the bill even x_x. This was a great read! Have a great weekend!

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  4. Waila! you are too much oohh…killing me here tonite! I was sooo tired from the week and was ready to go to bed early on a Friday night, until I saw this sitting in my inbox….I wasn’t disappointed – it was hilarious! lol….this is how we do it! (singing Montell Jordan right now, lol 😉 )

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  5. LOL… Even sitting here, I broke out in cold sweat on her behalf when they calculated what each person was to pay. What manner of problem?
    She could have left behind her Louboutins in lieu of payment lol..

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  6. I am crying of laughter..have experienced sonething similar whereby i picked cheap things on the menu to keep my bill lo only for the table mathematician to decide we’re splitting the bill equally thus i ended up contributing towards folks costly meals and drinks…to say i wasnt amused is an understatement lol lol but i just paid up lol lol

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  7. Lol!! I would have done the same thing. Nowadays I just try to get something in the price range of what everyone’s is getting because it’s easier to split the bill equally. If I don’t have the money, I won’t go.

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  8. Hmmmmm,what peeps av 2 go tru just 2 measure up,love her guts actually…..I do it MY WAY….#Gbam!!!

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  9. Ha ha! I think this is one most people can relate to. I can tell you many stories about my own experiences.
    Thanks for reading folks and have a great weekend. X

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  10. “E le se further maths ni?…” Lmao! I so totally love this!

    I’ve been sneaking around ur blog for a while now, I just had to comment on this one… That is how we are doing it now! 😉

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  11. They tried that at my work Christmas team party, I had to remind them i hav been drinking coke all night at this point ny boss agreed with me n saved me 60quid.

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  12. That’s impressive. Last time I was in a very similar situation – I.e we chose off the budget menu and no-one else did – then they announced we were splitting it – I couldn’t bring myself to say anything & just paid. I’m such a wimp sometimes!

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  13. Lol….hilarious.

    I get what I want to eat because i know splitting even makes the most sense. in all fairness if the average split is less than my order, I pay more. I have seen this get ugly multiple times.

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  14. Lol,
    It happened at a work do last year, and some genius suggested we split the bill equally, didn’t find it funny cos the amount just about doubled my own personal bill. I paid and was determined not to let it happen again… the next time we went out I left home with the exact amount I was going to spend plus tip and when the bill came I just put my money on the table and even collected change sef… kmt

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  15. lol!!! smh at smiles…..you too should have told them “this is how I am doing it!” lol….

    ps. Waila, you know you have a great blog post, when I’m coming back to see other people’s comments to you post! 😉

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  16. ye Waila haf killed me oooo! Mehnnn this is so close to home o! I’m laughing hard with tears ready to spill at a blink!
    Omo I can’t even start explaining how I narrowly escaped this kain of embarrassment o, kai!
    How are we doing kini??! K’ojo rara mehnn…
    Like TheRustGeek said “make everybody answer im papa name” 😀

    You go gal :* :* WAILA WAILA WAILA

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  17. The further maths bit had me laughing. Split wetin? That’s how we’re doing it abeg! Loved it!

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  18. You have just replayed a scenario that almost everyone (who is up and coming) has had to go through. Is it not so funny how it is easy for those who are not on a budget or have to struggle for their survival are sometimes flippant about expense. When I had my birthday party, I had it at someone’s house and did it naija style with jollof rice and etc. That way, my friends were less pressured and I got some fun gifts…

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  19. Lmaoooooo omg this just toooo much! It’s my pet peeve! Pay for what you ate , simples! Unless we had a prior arrangement to do otherwise then sorry *walks away*

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  20. I am ROLLING ON THE FLOOR. This is really how we are doing it please. £40 for who???

    Shared it on my Twitter, so hilarious. I don’t even leave my house if I am not able.

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  21. Omg!!! I so love this post. I usually pay up when the bill is split because I’m too embarrassed to state the obvious. Thanks for this post jare.

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  22. I’m going to share a view that is not popular – in this situation, it is a better idea not to go, because you had forewarning of how things were likely to go. Support and celebrate with your friend in another way. Have her round at yours and make her a meal she’ll love and enjoy. Or meet the whole group for drinks at the restaurant after dinner – you buy your own drinks at the bar. I have been on both sides of this situation, and it’s not cool for anyone involved because usually it’s difficult to hide how hungry and uncomfortable you are with the entire situation all through the meal.

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  23. This was forwarded to a group chat which am part of, and it really really made me laugh! I also forwarded to some of my whatsapp contacts and got huge laughs all around. I just really wonder why we subject ourselves to such inconvenient ” social ethics “. Also a lot of the time when you look back you’re like “why did I let that happen “! As the saying goes, ” it happens to the best of us “. Indeed your writing is a “breath of fresh air”, and very relateable. One thing blogging lacks now a day’s is originality and suffice to say, you got it girl. I for one get really bored if a material lacks depth. I stopped reading blogs altogether and the ones out there making waves and headlines like miss Linda you know who, (lol), am not interested in! Want through your archivea and you’re not “falling my hand at all” lol!

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  24. This was forwarded to a group chat which am part of, and it really really made me laugh! I also forwarded to some of my whatsapp contacts and got huge laughs all around. I just really wonder why we subject ourselves to such inconvenient ” social ethics “. Also a lot of the time when you look back you’re like “why did I let that happen “! As the saying goes, ” it happens to the best of us “. Indeed your writing is a “breath of fresh air”, and very relateable. One thing blogging lacks now a day’s is originality and suffice to say, you got it girl. I for one get really bored if a material lacks depth. I stopped reading blogs altogether and the ones out there making waves and headlines like miss Linda you know who, (lol), am not interested in! Want through your archives and you’re not “falling my hand at all” lol! Well done!

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