The Arik Experience: Goodbye London, Hello Lagos!

39,000 feet above ground and bored as a scarecrow in a deserted field. The inflight entertainment is playing up so I can’t watch any of the movies on offer and thanks to my die hard resolve to wash my hair before leaving for the airport, I didn’t have enough time to download any movies to my iPad.

I’m on an Arik flight, first time ever. Snob that I am, I was apprehensive about trying out the new airline on the block but na condition make crayfish bend. My funds were not ripe enough for British Airways and as for that Virgin, don’t get me started on their extortionate fares.

I must admit, this plane is impressive. The seats in economy (promotion cometh!) have more leg room than I know what to do with. You long ones would be pleased.

Fot those of you that travel with all your worldly possessions, you’ll be pleased to know that be baggage allowance is 32kg. In this day and age, that’s stupendously generous. God bless them

The cabin crew were a lot scruffier than im used to seeing…not that i was bothered bt their appearance. Just a random observation. They are also as rude and abrupt as any others but unlike their colleagues on other airlines, lack the ability to be politely so. The ability to insult while grinning must be  added to their training syllabus. That said, Nigerians are demanding and can test the patience of a dead man. Our diva antics are out of this world ridiculous.

The plane was taxiing and a woman was still yapping away on her phone.

Air Hostess: “Madam! Please turn off your phone, we are about to takeoff!”
Woman: “Ha ha! You will give me the full gist when I come. What of that guy from before?”
Air Hostess: “Madam, turn off your phone!”
Woman: “I’m already on the plane, we will soon take off.”

Even my patience was tested. It took…

Sorry, I was just interrupted by the sound of the most ridiculous attempt at an American accent I’ve ever heard. I’m not a member of the “thou shall not speak fone” brigade but if thou must, thou must do it well.

…the air hostess raising her voice to deafening levels for the woman to obey. Terminating the call, she calmly addressed the hostess.

“It’s like something is wrong with you. Did someone annoy you before you came to work this evening?”

LMAO! Some human beings are just not normal.

The elderly man two seats to my right has spent the last half hour moaning about how sub standard the service on this flight is. He is especially upset that he was only given a tiny  glass of red wine.

“Why can’t they give us those little bottles other airlines give? Why are they rationing the thing, is it communion?! I need to get tipsy so I can sleep well.”

The woman next to him is irritated because the crew did the coffee round before serving the tea she was desperate for.

“I don’t know why they can’t serve the two together. Is it not two hands they have?”

If I had a pound for every time she has hissed in the last two hours, I’d have enough money to pay the £300 difference and hop on Mr Branson’s plane.

Another man in the association of moaners is upset because he doesn’t like the selection of movies on offer. “When I flew last weekend, it was the same set of movies, this weekend too, the same.”

The person behind me is snoring like he is propelling the engines of this plane. How is a girl supposed to get some sleep when no one will shut up?!

The food is WACK! My friend IB had told me stories about how nice the jollof rice on the flight is but this jollof wannabe I am eating is like poison. The bread roll is rock hard and this cheesecake isn’t worth a mention. The only edible thing is the salad. Sigh.

Arik have a reputation for taking African timing to another level but thankfully, my flight left on time. I’m grateful for small mercies.

Time to sleep. Don’t know what internet access will be like out there so I’m not holding my breath. Blogging while I’m there is highly unlikely…or maybe I’m just a lazy fart.

xxx
Waila

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6 comments

  1. The woman on the phone- too funny. What reality does she live in? And passengers have forgotten the reality that is “getting what you pay for” hence the communion for wine- that guy should be a stand up comic!

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  2. It seems any flight to Nigeria is a test of patience

    -Delta:Flew first class on Delta because we were carrying new born twins home. We called at least 5 times to request 2 basinets, they said no problem. We got on the flight and the air hostess is saying no basinets in 1st class only economy……..Please tell me why did i waste my money on the idiots and their first class if na economy get comfort.
    – Now you can’t even search for Delta flights originating from Nigeria online. You have to go to an agent….Da hell???
    – Don’t get me started on that soggy,watery rice delta calls jellof. The thing looks like a running stomach ready to happen

    BA from yankee to anywhere in Naija, you can’t pay online, you have to go to the counter within 24hrs of booking your ticket to pay for it

    You endure this rubbish and all of a sudden it makes sense to you why naija pple will kill their family member to get enough money to own a private jet.

    One day we shall demand more and actually get it. Oh the power we have on these airlines. Naija is definitely one of their most profitable routes, but we manage to get the worst service.

    South African airways is by far my fave airline to fly. NO issues at all, but then again, it might have been a lucky flight.sigh!!

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  3. LOL @ your account.. Always a joy to read your very eventful experiences. You make them come alive! Judging from your account, I strongly believe that Arik Air deserves its own reality show.. They would make so much money, they probably would offer tickets free on a first come, first served basis.. Of course with the ‘Holy Communion’ thrown in for free 🙂

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  4. I am surprised by the holy communion wine portion cos my mother said opposite. Then again she flew them when they first started flying.
    Regarding the food, I have learnt to go for the food made for the oyibo man as they always taste really nice.

    I think the air hos through special training cos their rudeness is first class.

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