Dear Womb Watcher

Dear Womb Watcher,

You accused me of hiding my pregnancy. In your words, “We had been waiting for IMG_4752you to conceive and you didn’t tell us when it happened! Why were you hiding? You didn’t post any pictures on Instagram!”

First things first, who are the ‘us’ that I neglected to inform? Are you my husband? Mother? Father? Brother or sister? Friend perhaps? And why were you waiting for me? Do I owe you a child?

Secondly, I was hiding because you didn’t find out on Instagram?! Really?!

I am confused, I can’t lie.

You see, I got up in the mornings like all the other commuters in London and hopped on the train to and from work.

I patrolled the Canary Wharf malls on my lunch breaks (because assorted cravings) where I was spotted by many a friend and acquaintance. Shout out to the Naija massive in the wharf!

I was so robust, only lycra worked for me; so I lived in lycra dresses that advertised my ginormous bump.

I went grocery shopping, I went shopping. Heck, I spent half my pregnancy in Brent Cross.

I visited friends, I visited family.

I went to the cinema, I went to a few parties and weddings. At 32 weeks pregnant, I was in a club shaking my tail feather to celebrate a friend’s 30th. I even trekked to Winter Wonderland to chow down some hotdogs and gaze longingly at mulled wine.

I frustrated my poor husband because despite his concern, I was driving the streets of North London looking for everything and nothing…anything to get me out of the house.

I lived my life as normally as the fatigue, back ache and pelvic girdle pain would allow.

Yet, I was hiding because there were no pregnant pictures of me on Instagram.

You see that Insta life? It’s not real life. Real life happens OUTSIDE of Instagram. If you have been relying on Instagram to find out the intimate details of my life, I hate to tell you that there’s a hell of a lot you’ve missed out on.

If you had bothered to call me, you probably would have found out. Oh wait, you don’t have my number.

If you’d sent me a message to find out how I’d been, you may well have found out. Oh wait…

The crux of the matter is that you had no idea because it didn’t concern you. You need not have kept track of the length of my marriage. Telling me I’d been married long enough to have a couple of kids, who asked you?! Seriously, who you epp with your mathematics?!

And then you casually informed me that you’d assumed I was having problems conceiving! Some things are better left unsaid; that baseless assumption was one of them. Even if I was having problems conceiving, what a way to address the subject…not that addressing it is any of your concern.

I was so stunned all I could do was turn around and let you carry on the conversation with my back.

You would do well to focus on your business in the future and leave me to focus on mine.

Next time I won’t be so gracious.


All my love,




Your Instagram stalking skills are poor. I had a girl NOT a boy.




  1. I just died and resurrected.

    When people become your family planner without your knowledge. Surely she couldn’t possibly have said she thought you had problems conceiving. Please tell me that’s Jara to make the story sweet. Some folks have no chill.

    Watch out for wombwatchers part 2.


  2. Oh wow! Waila, did this conversation really take place? Or this is fiction? Did someone really go as far as saying she was beginning to think you were having problems conceiving?? All of that in one brief (I imagine) conversation???
    Ok, the only reasonable explanation for the multiple gaffes is that the person clearly feels closer to you and your well being that you think! Ma binu …. Ehn, Ndo …
    and thanks for clarifying that my baby is a girl not a boy! muhaha!

    P.S Welcome back


  3. Lol @ womb watcher. I hope he/she reads this. Seriously, people need to learn how (not) to talk! Well written!!!


  4. Beautifully written! On a positive note you are important enough to be cyber stalked! I think I ll steal this piece & re write it as wedding watchers after my big day. Lol!


  5. I love the post.
    Me I am not surprised. I have been dealing with Nigerians a lot recently so only few things can shock me.

    They call it verbal diarrhoea. Yes there is a name for it. When they talk without filter or consideration to the effect of their words. Seriously find the person and remove from fb list. Shame you can’t remove her from insta!


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