Dear Ken… Love, MEE

Dear Ken,

I am convinced the blood of my ancestors runs through your veins. Your resemblance to my Uncles Agbaya and Oju Kokoro is uncanny. Seeing as you’re one of us, I must award you the respect our culture demands I give to my elders.

Uncle Ken, I hear you are running for Mayor of London…again. You mean the 8 years you sat in office  is not enough for you? Let’s not forget the 5 years you ruled over the Greater London Council. Is London your inheritance? Haba, come on Uncle, don’t you think you’re being greedy? Leave a little something for the rest of us!

I hope you don’t mind me asking how you felt when Boris dethroned you back in 2008? Something tells me you were embarrassed but it’s okay if you weren’t. I was embarrassed enough for the two of us. I suspect you were and still are angry. Why else have you been writing column after column of insults to Boris in every paper possible?! You haven’t given Boris room to breathe for the last two years. Dignity Uncle, dignity. It’s obvious you’ve been in diaspora for too long. Such behaviour is beneath you. You should have ‘boys’ that do such things on your behalf. For a fee I might be able to hook you up. I know some Warri boys looking for work.

If you ask me, I think Boris winning was a clear sign that London was tired of you. Do you think they’ve missed you and forgiven your shenanigans? You’re my Uncle so I have to tell you the truth…I don’t think they have. Don’t mind me though, what do I know? I’m just a little girl that knows precious little about politics. Clearly your party still has faith in you. I can only pray for all your sakes that London is tired of Boris too. I mean, who won’t be tired of a man that refuses to brush his hair and tuck in his shirt properly?! On second thoughts Uncle, I think you stand a chance. You’re lucky your hairline has receded. Just make sure you tuck in your shirt.

Compared to you, Boris is a small boy. Like our people say, what an elder sees sitting down, a child cannot see if he climbs a ladder. I agree with them. What if the child climbs on the shoulder of the elder though? Won’t he have the advantage of seeing with two sets of eyes? Surely the elder will bear him up, no? I think that’s what Boris did. As the elder, I suggest you find a child in your compound to climb on your shoulders and give them the benefit of your eyes while you still can. As you know, an elder’s eyesight dwindles with time. Don’t wait until you go blind before you start wearing your glasses.

We are proud of you Uncle but we think it’s time for you to retire.




Say hello to Aunty, Aunty, Aunty and the kids.