My friend CrawCraw is one of those people who try as you may, you cannot hate. Guys think she’s a breath of fresh air, girls want to hang out with her and parents wish they gave birth to her. Every parent bar my mother, The General, that is. The General’s heart overflows with gratitude to God that CrawCraw isn’t her daughter. If she were, she wouldn’t be able to marry her off to my brother G, I mean, that would be incestuous.
CrawCraw and The General get on like a house on fire. She is the only friend I have who calls The General every now and again to check up on her. I would be worried but I know I’m irreplaceable. I may have my issues but it’s not easy to discard a child who even a blind man can tell is yours. That is the only thing I have over CrawCraw and the reason my inheritance remains safe.
The General is no fool, pikin wey resemble goat no be goat, na pikin. She knows CrawCraw can never be her biological daughter so she is willing to settle for daughter-in-law and has launched a campaign to get CrawCraw and G to the altar.
Over the holidays, CrawCraw was being her usual self entertaining MamaGuy (my nan), my uncle, aunt and The General. MamaGuy asked my aunt ( in Urhobo) who CrawCraw is and she told her. The General, hearing her response, saw a golden opportunity and piped up.
“Waila’s friend? She is G’s wife! CrawCraw you will marry G, won’t you?!”
CrawCraw’s eyes flew open like a window in a hurricane and she won’t admit it but I tell you, those eyes lit up! That was when I clutched the wall for support. Suddenly I started remembering random moments; G’s frequent inquiries about CrawCraw’s welfare, CrawCraw frequent inquiries about G’s welfare, G teasing CrawCraw, CrawCraw pretending she can do without G’s attention. It all made sense!
At first it seemed like a crazy idea but after giving it a second thought, I can see it working. If CrawCraw marries G, I won’t have to worry about getting along with my sister-in-law. CrawCraw is very family orientated so I will be able to spend G’s money without his wife pulling a face like rotten okra. My nieces and nephews would have a decent chance of having hair and there would be someone to teach them that walking around with skin like cracked leather is not a good look…not even on cows.
G turns 30 today and is by Nigerian standards, a prime candidate for marriage. He comes from a good home, has a good job, is Christian and a credible future candidate for the Nigerian Presidential seat. He is also a British citizen so Downing Street is a plausible alternative, albeit with slimmer financial prospects. Plus let’s not kid ourselves, that red kpali is hella attractive!
So Mina, WILL YOU MARRY HIM?!?!?! It’s his birthday, go on, say yes!